How to handle an abusive relationship (Part 2)
(Culled from the book MY FIRST LOVE – Pastor Taiwo Iredele Odubiyi)
Tofe nodded and tears began to run down her face. “He s-slapped me … and pushed me.”
“Oh my God!” Lisa exclaimed. She came to sit beside Tofe and put a hand at her back in a comforting way.
“You need to tell me everything so I can help you. Jude also needs to be helped. He has serious issues. This is important please.”
Tofe nodded.
“About how many times has he hit you?” Lisa asked.
“He hits me whenever he’s very angry, and he calls me names.”
“That’s wrong.”
“But … we love each other. He is very caring. This anger is the main problem I’m having with him.” Tofe said.
“Tofe, you may love him but he has problems and he needs help!”
Tofe pressed her lips together.
Lisa went on. “Mofe doesn’t go to church but I know he would not do such a thing.”
Tofe nodded and said, “I know.”
“That should tell you that this abuse is a ‘Jude issue’, and it has to be stopped. You’re not yet married and he’s doing this to you! You cry often. What do you think would happen after marriage? It will escalate! Marriage increases neurotic tendencies!”
Tofe took a deep breath. “I’ve been praying for him -”
“Praying about it is good but not enough. A person who needs financial breakthrough should pray but he or she must start giving. Definite steps have to be taken. Principles must be followed. Give and it shall be given to you. And if this abuse will stop, certain steps have to be taken. A man is supposed to love his wife or woman. It is wrong to slap, hit … or shove her. Do you understand?”
Tofe nodded.
“Jude needs help.” Lisa repeated. “In the eyes of God, marriage makes two people to become one, and it’s only a foolish or an insane man who will hit or hurt himself.”
Tofe told her, “I don’t talk to men again because of him. To get a job has been a challenge because he will ask if I met any man. I’ve had to lie to him a number of times even though I know it is wrong to lie as a Christian but telling him the truth will get me into trouble with him. I don’t know … maybe I’m the one who is at fault.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong.” Lisa told her.
Tofe added, “I try to avoid things that could get him angry. I try to please him; I keep quiet for the sake of peace. I’m changing myself, giving up some things that make me ‘me’ but it’s like I’m not doing enough.”
“The problem is with him. You’re not the problem, he is the problem.” Lisa said without mincing words. “We will need to tell Mofe. He needs to know, Tofe. One, you are living with him. Two, I witnessed it. Three, Mofe is your brother, he is family -”
“He won’t like it.” Tofe predicted.
“Who? Mofe or Jude?”
“My brother. He will be angry. He will query Jude’s Christianity.”
“The truth is I’m beginning to query it myself. What he’s doing is bad. Terrible! How could we who are dead to sin live in it? Some people don’t go to church yet won’t do such a thing.”
“I know my brother will be very angry.” Tofe repeated.
“Do you think anyone will be happy about this? I’m angry myself but the important thing is to get a solution to it and get it to stop.”
“Jude won’t like it either.”
“You can’t continue like this, Tofe. Living in fear of him is not okay. That’s an unhealthy relationship. We read and hear about domestic violence almost every day. Let’s not wait until something very bad happens.” Lisa counselled her.
When Tofe didn’t talk, Lisa asked, “What do you think the will of God is in this matter?”
“I know we need help. Something has to be done. God doesn’t want this to continue.” Tofe said, then added, “But Jude loves me.”
“Love?!” Lisa asked. “What’s your definition of love?”
Tofe didn’t answer.
Lisa went on. “Tofe, it seems you’ve lost sight of what true love is, and what the Bible says about love.”
Taking her phone, Lisa pressed some buttons and said, “Let me remind you of what love is. I’ll read First Corinthians chapter thirteen, from verse four to seven from the New International Version of the Bible. ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’”
Lisa looked up at Tofe. “That is love. What you are experiencing in your relationship is not love. Love will protect you, trust you. It will be patient with you and kind to you. It does not get easily angry. A man who loves you will not hit you because he’s angry. He won’t treat you this way. What Jude is doing to you is called abuse. It’s also called gross disrespect. He definitely does not respect you or your family members. He knows Mofe and knows you’re living with him yet he doesn’t think it’s wrong to slap you. He knows your parents, yet he is treating you this way. No, it’s wrong. This is not God’s plan for your marriage.”
Tofe sighed.
“We have to tell Mofe.” Lisa pointed out again.
“He won’t like it. He will be very angry.” Tofe said again.
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle him. I’ll tell him.” Lisa said. “Let’s find out where he is.”
Taking her phone, she called Mofe. She knew he would be surprised to hear from her but she also knew he would listen to her.
She was correct.
“Is everything okay?” He asked.
“Yes. Where are you?”
“I’m just leaving the office. Any problem?”
“I’m in your house.”
“In my house?”
She laughed and said, “Yes.”
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yes, sure. I decided to come over to say hello to Ama and Tofe, and to discuss an issue with you.”
He seemed to be at a loss for words as he didn’t talk immediately. Eventually he said, “I’ll be there soon.”
(To be continued)
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